I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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