He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
