If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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