My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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