i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
