DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
