3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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