Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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