I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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