I am midnight drunk by noon
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
