I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
