good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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