you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
