A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize