remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I need a beard to bite.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
