I wanna bring you to show and tell
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
