WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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