I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
