so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
