i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
