I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
