There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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