there's paper in my vomit.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
