dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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