you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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