all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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