She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
