Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
