there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
