u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize