i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
