i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
