if you like me you must not know who I am
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
