so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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