Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
