Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
