I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
