If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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