you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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