You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
