I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
My underwear smells like fireworks.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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