someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize