Buhtt sex?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
