note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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