I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize