Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
