fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
