I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
