My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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