At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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