im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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