Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
