Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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