I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
