That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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