dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize