That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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