woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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