at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
