my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize