i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
